A radical Muslim terror group has claimed responsibility for a series of planned attacks on Taylor Swift concerts. The notorious jihadist organization Islamic-American Muslims For All Kinds of Explosions (IAMFAKE) issued a statement yesterday explaining the motivation behind its odd campaign against a pop culture icon.
“We used to spend our days and nights hatching devious and dastardly plots to just sit back and enjoy the collapse of the United States,” explained IAMFAKE leader Waleed “Wally” Waldharam. “As my predecessor and mentor in allegedly Islamic terror, HeyMan al-Zawuggery, once put it:
“But at some point, it got to where it just wasn’t funny any more. Even the hardest of terrorist hearts can be moved to pity. As we watched the USA’s ever-worsening decline, and the accompanying decline of the West, our mocking laughter gradually subsided, and finally melted into tears of compassion. What’s happening to America is so damn sad, and hey, we’re human too. I mean, I’m practically sobbing right now just thinking about it. We feel for those poor Americans trapped in their increasingly moronic and decadent culture. And nobody symbolizes the moronic decadence of contemporary America quite like Taylor Swift. So we thought we could alleviate some of that suffering, and make life in America at least marginally more bearable, by blowing up Taylor Swift and some of the soulless plastic-brained utterly superficial human zombies who idolize her…the so-called ‘Swifties’ who, let’s face it, are none too swift, and really ought to be removed from the gene pool.”
Terror experts said this is the first time they could remember an Islamist terrorist group plotting to alleviate American suffering and make the country marginally better. “The only precedent I can think of is when the Saudi-funded World Assembly of Muslim Youth, which reportedly had ties to al-Qaeda, plotted to pick up litter in Falls Church, Virginia back in 1997,” said Rita Kaatz of Israel’s SITE intelligence group. “Fortunately that plot was disrupted, and the perpetrators are still in prison. But picking up litter in one city represents an attempt to solve a relatively minor problem. Eliminating Taylor Swift and the Swifties would be a much more ambitious effort to address American cultural and intellectual decline. By plotting something of that magnitude, IAMFAKE has shown that it is a ‘constructive terror’ player to be reckoned with. If we don’t nip them in the bud now, they might eventually do something really big and benevolent, like helping Americans take back their country from their Zionist overlords.”
Reached at her $30 million home in Westerly, Rhode Island, Taylor Swift condemned the terrorists and vowed to continue spreading moronic decadence in hopes of one day achieving America’s complete and utter annihilation.